Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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