i just wanna soil my oats bro
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
