Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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