Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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