It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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