I met the friendliest cop last night
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
