Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
