I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
