Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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