From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
