I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
