i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
