I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she pinky promised me she was 18
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
