He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
