now i know why i became what i already was.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
two words...techno handjob
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Randomize
