he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
