i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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