I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
