No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
