I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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