Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
