I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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