Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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