How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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