dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
