Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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