Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
