I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
