I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
