My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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