he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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