You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
