just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
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