wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Randomize
