Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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