remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so let's talk penis.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
