I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
