You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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