I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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