Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Randomize
