Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
