you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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