you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
