currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
