Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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