YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
