Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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