just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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