New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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