Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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